Mojo Jojo (+2.0 Goals) (+140)
Merry Pranksters (-2.0 Goals) (-200)
Over 6.5 (-110)
Under 6.5 (-130)
Notes: This has been an absolutely insane day and not just because the Rangers broke my heart last night by playing with less passion than a 75 year old man making love to his abusive ex-wife. So let’s see what we can throw together in approximately 20 minutes and hope the book doesn’t get absolutely smoked tonight like it kind of did Tuesday night (whoops). Pranksters won’t have Maddie who had what might have been the assist of the year Tuesday night in a win over Team Clap Connecticut Cheeks. Mojo Jojo won’t have a bunch of players including Satok or Ariel who is slowly dying inside as he misses this game to attend his kid’s recital. In the future when people ask me why I don’t have kids, I will cite this exact situation as exhibit A. With full rosters I think this would arguably be the game of the night but missing two of their top players, Mojo Jojo has to be the underdog in this one. They have the ability to pull it off but will take a yeoman’s effort fromt he players who are there to make it so. I think under is the best bet here.
Clappin’ Cheeks (-180)
Red Cheeks (+110)
Over 8.0 (-110)
Under 8.0 (-130)
Notes: Cheeks Bowl Part II, a rematch of one of the craziest comebacks in league history when team black leopard strippers was down 4-0 going into the 3rd and multiple goals with minutes left only to somehow WIN IN REGULATION on the strength of a 7 goal third period. Will they repeat that wild effort or is red going to come in with a renewed sense of urgency after seeing what these menaces to society will do if you decide to suddenly completely stop playing defense against them mid-game? Also yes this is the 2nd meeting of 3 on the season between these teams in the Cheek Trilogy. At some point will have to ask Tommy to photoshop a logo for this series that has an ass with three cheeks on it. Why are they playing each other three times? This is what happens when you send in like 2000 schedule requests, I have to have some teams play each other a lot and some not at all, and there are two teams both named cheeks. Like zero chance this wasn’t going to be a best of 3. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Actually, I do. And I’m taking black leopard cheeks to win. Also in one of the weirdest scenarios in league history, I have just been informed that Ridzik is playing in net for red AGAINST HIS OWN TEAM. I don’t understand how or why this is happening but if red is willing to play with fire, this is the league to get syphilis. Can’t wait to see how this plays out.
Oh, Deer! (-120)
Mojo Jojo (-120)
Over 7.5 (-110)
Under 7.5 (-130)
Notes: As soon as Ariel’s kid’s recital is done best believe he is getting the fuck out of there and immediately into an Uber for the game. No idea if he’ll make it on time but Mojo Jojo could def use him here. Oh Deer is also missing a few top players though. Total toss-up. Hicks did eat Taco Bell today which moves the line towards camo due to meat strength but also towards Mojo Jojo due to shitting pants risk. Really have no idea what to think. Stay away special for me, and not just because of aforementioned pants shitting risk.
The Golden Girls (+2.5 Goals) (+160)
Red Cheeks (-2.5 Goals) (-245)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
Notes: The situation for gold is so damn bad that they asked Yehuda to sub and he said no. I don’t know if there is a more painful type of rejection for a woman to face than what Yehuda just gave Amanda so let’s all pray for her soul. Gold will have Cardello subbing, plus Pete, and I’ll prob pull in some other randos but it does not look great for them, not great at all. They will likely get smoked here. Probably not as bad as the 10-1 smoking from week one, but make no mistake: my associate Bane knows how this is going to go. Cheeks by 5ish.
Oh, Deer! (+1.5 Goals) (+125)
Clappin’ Cheeks (-1.5 Goals) (-175)
Over 7.5 (-155)
Under 7.5 (+110)
Notes: Oh Deer pulled the upset a few weeks ago; tonight they’ll be short though so no idea if they can do it again. Caitlin probably subbing for Cheeks. I have no idea what to write so instead, since I’ve listened to Royals by Lorde about 30x today (not sure why), I’m just going to repost this piece from August 2022 in which I ranked each aspect of the song in terms of how desirable they are. In classic D5 fashion, all those games got rained out. Also in honor of that unforgettable period of my life, pirate shots are fully on the menu tonight. If you know, you know. See ya tonight.
2014 was by most measures (or at least the ones I care about) an awesome year. Game of Thrones was still bringing the goods every week, probably due to the fact that they were adapting the 2nd half of Storm of Swords, by far the best of the ASOIAF books. The Rangers were on their way to the Cup Finals. I was working in real estate, guest blogging in my spare time and dating an insane Russian girl who once poured an entire bottle of champagne on me at Avenue for no good reason whatsoever. Meanwhile, and perhaps most pertinently for this preview for some reason, Lorde was at the top of the charts with Royals. Who the hell knows what’s happened to Lorde since then (except the possibility she turned into Randy Marsh from South Park) but that song came on at this insane 70s bar I went to Friday where one minute it’s a normal bar and next thing you know theres like four waitresses in stockings dancing on the bar and it got me thinking: which of the four groups of three she envisions rich people having are the most exciting? Since I can’t really bear to write another preview for a game that might not happen but I don’t want you to have to focus on actual work…why not
Gold Teeth, Grey Goose, Trippin In The Bathroom: Grey Goose is slightly overrated as a top tier vodka but it is still excellent. Tripping in the bathroom could refer to hallucinogens or being so hammered you fall over; debatable which one is preferable. Meanwhile I haven’t seen a single white guy pull off gold teeth aside from possibly Joe Pesci in Home Alone. Honestly, this group is kind of a dud. 3/10, solely out of respect for vodka.
Bloodstains, Ball Gowns, Trashin The Hotel Room: As anyone who was in Buffalo a few weeks ago will tell you I have no problem with a proper trashing of a hotel room or rental home (note: this is not an admission of guilt). As long as you don’t have to pay $2k in damages the next day, it can be a rollicking good time. Sadly I’ve never worn a ball gown but if properly tailored I think it would probably really elevate an ensemble. Bloodstains are a little ominous though and really drag the rest of this category down. Even if it’s a byproduct of the aforementioned hotel room trashing, best to avoid. 2/10, solely out of respect for property damage.
Cristal, Maybach, Diamonds On Your Timepiece: Now we’re talking. If Grey Goose is slightly overrated, Cristal is very overrated in the luxury champagne tier but it’s still a delightful refreshment to sprinkle in a long night of vicious clubbing. Maybachs are insane and if I ever make a rap video they will be prominently featured. As for diamonds on your timepiece – not sure I can pull them off but their baller quotient is simply undeniable. 9/10.
Jet Planes, Islands, Tigers On A Gold Leash: Things have really escalated from 5 minutes ago when I was debating whether there was any way to spin bloodstains as positive. Jet planes and islands – I mean who could possibly argue against these? Absolutely excellent and if that was the end of the category it would be an easy winner. But tigers on a gold leash…that is a fairly low ceiling (fun to have as a pet) with a subterranean floor (tiger mauls you while you’re eating breakfast). I guess the question is whether you’d have the guaranteed financial security of owning a Maybach (generally several hundred thousand dollars) and diamonds on your watch or the exciting adventures of traveling on private jets to various islands, but with the possible downside of being mauled by a tiger. Gotta risk it for the biscuit, I’m giving this one a 9.5/10 and declaring it the champion. Very nice. Also not sure what either team will look like by the time this game happens as Wes has not responded to my emails this week. If he rolls up to the rink in a Maybach with Cristal, all will be forgiven.
