The first ever D5 Player Poll went out last week and the results are in: there are some real sick people in this league, both among the respondents and the candidates. Then again, if you’ve spent any time in this league, you probably already knew that.
Who is the best player in the league?
Lots of great candidates in this one but Ryan receives the most votes, just barely edging out Campbell in the seasons when he plays in net. Others receiving votes include Fitz, Chad, Jo, Caleb plus one vote for Yehuda, although that same voter also voted for Jenn as best defender and Cam as best goalie so idk what sort of drug use was going on there. Whatever it was, I want in.
Who is the best defender in the league?
Andrew takes this category down with nine votes. Fertilizin’ Egg thus starts the season with the top forward and the top dman according to this poll.
Who is the best goalie in the league?
Oh, they also have the top goalie in the league, at least among those registered. Campbell picked up six votes for this one but seeing as he’s a center this season, Sonj came in 2nd with five votes. Jeff Green got four and Sophia and Phelps clocked in with one apiece (yes, that savage is potentially due back for the Fall season).
Who is the best female player in the league?
Sonj gets four votes but is just barely bested by a rookie, Emma, who receives six. No other lady received more than one vote.
Who is going to win Rookie Of The Year?
Emma is easily the odds on favorite, unsurprising as she was slated to be picked 2nd overall by red before Yehuda snatched her up as a “co-captain” (“co-captain” in this case meaning “hostage”). The only other candidate to get multiple votes was Adam Klein. I have no idea who that is but wish him much luck. Special shoutout to James Dziwura who voted for Ken despite the fact that it’s his third D5 season. Personally, I voted for Kate of Sex Education. Class is in session.
Who is going to win Player Of The Year?
Ryan won the best player in the league vote pretty handily but on this one, he ties with Chad. Not sure how voters see the difference between the two honors but it’s a fair result for two of the league’s top players.
Who would you most want as a teammate?
Three votes for Jo Robin takes it down for him. Special shoutout to whomever voted “Frey because he rigs the league.” You are either trying to troll me or someone like Jack who will do whatever it takes to win. Either way, I would like to buy you a shot of tequila. Also it was Joel who filled this poll out after drinking all day. Love to see it.
Who would you least want as a teammate?
I won’t divulge who won this category but safe to say whoever you have in your head right now as the most likely candidate – it was him.
Most Overrated?
Lots of people didn’t want to be mean on this one which is actually surprising considering the types of comments I read in every edition of the power rankings. Also well done to Joel again who voted for himself. I knew people would vote for themselves in various categories but this was certainly not one I expected that to happen in. Truly a man of wealth and taste.
Most Underrated?
With three votes, Jason Reape takes it down. Of course, I do wonder if the voters know that he went in the beginning of the 2nd round in this seasons draft. Tough to be underrated from that spot but the Ducks will certainly be hoping that is the case.
Best Rizz?
Honorable mention to “James” and “James Apparently” for taking down votes for best rizz no doubt inspired by his recent essay on making out with girls at Gem Saloon. But incredibly, the league’s choice for best rizz was Pete. Never seen the master pull any incredible feats but congrats to him nonetheless. Anyone attending his housewarming tonight should be on high alert (I know I will be).
Worst Rizz?
Once again, you know who won this category, and you also know who got 2nd.
Case Race Winner?
I expected Cardello to win this one fairly handily but even with my vote, he has to settle for a tie for first with none other than Mr Hicks. I would love to see this one actually happen and maybe it will tonight.
Liquor Race Winner?
I won this one and honestly it’s a solid choice by the people. No one else got more than one vote and there were some strong contenders in the field but special shout to the ball-knower who voted for Dana. Incredibly sneaky but very appropriate pick for this category.
Actual Running Race Winner?
Chad is the only player to receive multiple votes and thus is the winner by default.
Championship Winner?
Fairly similar to the opening power ranks: seven votes for blue takes it down, with three votes coming in for Egg and two for orange. There were also two for Slime Time but they came from Jake and Mo, their two captains, so idk how reliable that vote is.
Last Place Team?
A 6-6 tie between silver and pink although I have to say the best and truly most accurate answer was “a team whose top picks don’t show up.”
Best Captain?
I received six votes although it remains to be seen how many of those were sincere and how many were people just sucking up. Ryan/Pete/Tommy got three votes (one of them from Pete) and the only other candidates to receive more than one were The Milkman and Annie, despite being retired in Denver. Much like Pete, Mel also voted for herself. Hey, as long as you can please one person…
Worst Captain?
Six votes for Yehuda even though he’s been out of the captain game for multiple years and most people don’t even know what it’s like to be captained by him. And I didn’t even count the vote which said “Jenn, but soon to be dethroned by Yehuda.”
Cleanest Player?
A near landslide as Jo Robin gets seven votes while no one else gets more than one. Congrats on being a gentleman. Pete continues his tradition of only voting for his friends as he votes for himself and Tommy for this one. If written articles had a laugh track, this is where that would kick in.
Dirtiest Player?
Tommy and DRo got four votes each and no one else got more than one. I’d classify them more as “agitating” and “reckless with limbs” respectively. One guy voted for Milstein and said he leveled him last year on purpose (The North Remembers) while Sammy voted for himself. I’m sure if Scott voted, that would’ve been his choice as well.
You get arrested in a foreign country and have one phone call to a D5 member. Who do you trust to get you out of this situation?
Thanks to everyone who voted for me for this one over other great candidates who are actual lawyers. I’m sure it was a tough call but one voter probably expressed it best: “Zisser is probably a great lawyer but if you have one call there’s a good chance he’s also under arrest and can’t help. Probably Frey.” I also have talked my way into and out of some incredible situations so if you require assistance, hit me on one of my burner numbers.
Who is the most likely D5er to be caught in that exact situation?
This was another extremely really tight race but Jeff Green barely edges out Zisser in this category 5-4. Considering Jenn and I had to save him from being thrown out of Dorrian’s for doing (redacted) in the ladies room with (redacted), I would not be surprised at all to see that recreated on a larger scale one day.
Wrap Up
That’s all I’ve got for you today. Thanks to Amit for this beautiful idea which ate up close to 6 hours of my life. If the people who got named/shamed don’t quit the league or commit seppuku we’ll run it back in the future. Honestly, even if they do leave/kill themselves, we’ll prob run it back regardless. See ya out there.