Bruise Control (+150)
Chappell Red (-230)
Over 7.5 Goals (-130)
Under 7.5 Goals (-110)
Notes: It’s been way too long since we did some kind of Les Mis previews. Well, when I say way too long, I seriously have no idea if anyone reading this is a fan of the show (presumably there isn’t a ton of overlap between cultured fans of Les Miserables and the sickos that inhabit this league) but in case you like me have spent much of the last week shopping for tickets to the Radio City appearance this summer, this is your day. Anyways red is in last place in the standings but that’s pretty much only because they’ve only played one game so far. It seems kind of insane as multiple teams have played SIX games already but remember they voluntarily postponed one the first week, got rained out in the middle of another one and requested all of last week off because Zisser was on baby duty. Now that he’s off baby duty and presumably fresh from his birthday situation at Gem Saloon on Saturday, I have to favor them in this one even though purple looked mighty impressive in winning two games on Friday night against solid competition.
Les Miserables Song This Game Vaguely Reminds Me Of: Lovely Ladies. Lots of storylines in this one but with Rose/Karly on one side and Cherie/Hoffman on the other there’s an argument that these are two of the strongest lady situations in the entire league. Of course Karly is out for this one but I’m sure whichever sub Milstein gets will be of the quality required to properly represent both this matchup and this song which is undoubtedly one of the show’s best, even if for the first 15 years of listening to this song I completely missed the fact that it referred to 19th century French prostitutes and thought it was actually just about some lovely ladies hanging out in the park. Oh to be that young and naive again.
Best Line:
“Poor men, rich men, leaders of the land
See them with their trousers off, they’re never quite as grand“
Glazin’ Donuts (EVEN)
Sex Ed (-145)
Over 7.0 Goals (-110)
Under 7.0 Goals (-130)
Notes: This game is always one of the most electric on the slate but loses a lot of its starpower as both Chad and Ryan are out for this one due to injury. Two of the league’s finest players missing one of the marquee matchups but should be a huge game regardless as both teams try to keep pace with the top teams in the standings, featuring two of the leagues finest goaltenders in Jeff Green for silver and APK appearing in relief for blue to teach Pete & Yehuda a much needed lesson.
Les Miserables Song This Game Vaguely Reminds Me Of: Look Down. This is the second iteration of this song in the musical and way better than the first one which opens the show but is just a bunch of prisoners doing prisoner shit and then Valjean showing off his unreasonably high strength rating by singlehandedly lifting a giant flag. Amazing character, never quite explained why he has superhuman strength. This one is significantly better and in fact the better of the two verses was written specifically for the movie, with the original just featuring two hookers yelling at each other about giving guys STDs and then one of them gets called a cow whose brain has been destroyed by crack and they move on. No, really. Anyways, similar to the nobleman in the car getting accosted by Gavroche and the other poor French people, both these teams have been on top of the standings for the better part of the past six seasons but honestly neither one has looked all that amazing this season. Glazin’ Donuts is middling with a .500 record on the season while blue is 3-0 but hasn’t really dominated any of those games despite playing two of the lower teams in the standings. Which of these teams is Gavroche and which is the nobleman in the carriage? Je ne sais pas.
Best Line:
“This is the land that fought for liberty
Now when we fight, we fight for bread
Here is the thing about equality
Everyone’s equal when they’re dead“
Chappell Red (-2.0 Goals) (-120)
The MilkMob (+2.0 Goals) (-120)
Over 7.5 Goals (-130)
Under 7.5 Goals (-110)
Notes: This was supposed to be game two in the teams’ three game season series but due to them requesting to postpone the first it becomes game one. MilkMob has had some major attendance struggles this season and Sonj still being out of action is not helping their cause one bit. They’ll have Carl in net for this one but will have their hands full against a red team that hasn’t played in several weeks but will have gotten a warm-up game in earlier in the evening and should come out fresh for this one. Considering the MilkMob struggles this season red may seem the easy choice but like the Steelers and Ravens, games between these two teams are rarely blowouts.
Les Miserables Song This Game Reminds Me Of: The Confrontation. I mean what other song could I possibly pick in this spot. It’s a confrontation between two teams in one of the league’s most fun rivalries. I think there’s a cup to be awarded of some sort and certainly a measure of revenge to be had for red after Campbell purchased said cup for last seasons matchup and told everyone that MilkMob had never beaten red, only for the Mob to pick up their very first win in the rivalry that very evening. I also have a sneaking suspicion that Joe and Campbell would do an amazing rendition of this song. While voice-wise Campbell is probably a better fit for Valjean and Joe the baritone for Javert, in practice it’s pretty obvious which of these guys is more likely to be on the run from the law. Actually, I think they were both on shrooms during this season’s draft. They might both be Valjean.
Best Line From Song:
“Dare you talk to me of crime, and the price you had to pay?
Every man is born in sin; every man must choose his way.”
Merry Pranksters (+140)
Sex Ed (-1.0 Goals) (-200)
Over 7.5 Goals (-145)
Under 7.5 Goals (EVEN)
Notes: This game is probably the toughest to pin down of all on the night. Blue is 3-0 but without a signature win on the season yet. Meanwhile the Pranksters were expected to be near the bottom of the standings but have actually looked quite impressive thus far, putting up 8 against green last week and even leading in both of the games that they would eventually lose. I did accidentally elbow Gelman in the head on Sunday (whoops) but he’s slated to play in this one. If he was out, the cheating allegations would truly reach new heights.
Les Miserables Song This Game Vaguely Reminds Me Of: I Dreamed A Dream. After a year off, Gelman had a dream of bringing back the Pranksters and has done so with one of the best starts his teams have ever gotten off to. A victory here would be huge for playoff seeding and team morale. Also was tough to leave out the Anne Hathaway movie rendition that won her an Oscar but Susan Boyle’s legendary turn on Britain’s Got Talent remains #1 for me and honestly a top three reality show moment in my life. True, I don’t watch reality TV so my list is limited but it’s something like Eric Williams speech defending his rampant cheating on The Basketball Wives, everyone screaming “GTL” and “cabs are here” on Jersey Shore, the poker guys being awkward at the clubs on 2 Months 2 Million (only Mel knows about this one), about five different batshit moments on season 1 of Neighbors and this inspirational clip. Wow what a list.
Best Line:
“But the tigers come at night”
Seriously though, have you ever seen Simon Cowell look so happy?
Pinky Toe (+2.5 Goals) (-120)
Hockey at Glatt’s (-2.5 Goals) (-120)
Over 8.5 Goals (-145)
Under 8.5 Goals (EVEN)
Notes: The final game of the evening is a rematch of the fall championship, but obviously with slightly different rosters. Both teams still have their cores intact but whereas Glatt’s has picked up where they left off with a 3-0 record and a fuckton of offense, pink has struggled out of the gate with a 1-3 record. To be fair, the 1 was an extremely impressive comeback win over the highly rated Glazin’ Donuts but the team defense has left a lot to be desired and, well, I can hardly imagine a worse opponent to have to face than Glatt’s. Their once chance is speed: if they can outrun Glatt’s and use their legs to play possession (and give Sophia some support), they’ll have a legitimate chance to pull this one out.
Les Miserables Song This Game Vaguely Reminds Me Of: Master Of The House. Yehuda came oh so close to being Master Of The House last season but Glatt’s ruined his party and are the defending champs. Can he get a measure of revenge tonight or is he just going to be one of the many people robbed by Mr Thenardier (I guess that’s Zuck) at his shady inn? We’ll find out in the primetime game. See ya tonight.
Best Line:
“Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he’s quite a lover, but there’s not much there”
Incidentally, George Costanza also loved this song.
Final Note: Some of you may be asking why every song is from the 1st half of the show, with most of it being first hour. The answer is simple: the 1st half is significantly better and don’t listen to anything that 2nd half truthers will tell you as they are sadly mistaken.