1) The Phantom Pie Pie
Average Rank: 1.67
Previous Rank: 6 (up 5)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 3
Standard Deviation: 0.71
1st Place Votes: 4 of 9
Comments: No team had ever gone undefeated in a 9 or 10 game season in league history but somehow this season two teams pulled it off, with orange getting the edge in the standings because all of their wins came in regulation. With Craig winning his 2nd consecutive Leetch Award, Will coming back from injury to win the #1 Goalie award (by a lot), Brooke taking Rookie of the Year honors in a landslide and a roster featuring elite players at every position, this is as good a team as Pie Pie (RIP) has ever fielded. Is this the year they finally win the cup?
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Has to be the hardest shooting team in D5 history, and it’s not all Craig.”
“No weaknesses. Craig has learned to hit the net more often than not, and Will is a borderline elite goalie for sleeper pick of the season. It helps that one of their bottom picks got sent straight away to blockade the Strait of Hormuz before the 1st game of the season.”
“I think this team is far from the best D5 team ever as their record would suggest, but shoutout to them for what they’ve accomplished. They play an impressive team game and have successfully channeled the energy of several dead pets.”
1) Hockey At Glatt’s
Average Rank: 1.67
Previous Rank: 3 (up 2)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 3
Standard Deviation: 0.71
1st Place Votes: 4 of 9
Comments: The defending champs went undefeated in their second season and tie for the top spot in the pre-playoff power ranks. Everyone knows how strong their top line is, finishing 1 & 2 in the scoring race, but the defense and goaltending have held up much better than expected and the second line depth with Alex Merone and top four top six rookie finalist Tony is much improved from last season. With the exact same ranking as orange (four 1st place votes, four 2nds and one 3rd), there’s a good chance this season’s championship pits two undefeated teams for the first (and possibly last) time in league history.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“The only team that can seemingly score at will. Who needs defense when you can just retain possession the entire game? The only thing that can stop them is using the bottom half of their lineup.”
“When you have the 2 best players in the league playing three quarters of the game you tend to be at the top of the standings. Also, Hockey at Tony’s all day long.“
“Cam seems to have found his form after a rough start. He could be the difference. This team has somehow replaced blue as the villains of this league. Truly an impressive feat. What will be more impressive is if they can continue their dominance without one of their top 2 players.”
3) Sex Ed
Average Rank: 3.11
Previous Rank: 1 (down 2)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.17
1st Place Votes: 1 of 9
Comments: A much more up-and-down than usual season for blue as they enter the playoffs as the 4 seed and lacking a true signature win. In fact, the only teams without a single scorer in the league’s top 20 are the teams listed 9th and 12th in these rankings and then, surprisingly, this Sex Ed team. Still a threat as always but, like last spring’s 5th seeded iteration, no longer the favorite. Of course, that team did end up winning the cup.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Defensively solid while boasting pop on the offensive end with Chad. The goalie wildcard truly will be make or break down the stretch.”
“Credit where credit is due. This team consistently ranks in the top 4 every season. Rigged? Maybe, but you can’t rig this type of consistency season after season.”
“For the first time in years blue gets to roll into the playoffs as an under-the-radar, dare I say it underdog. Can Frey and Chad will this team to another championship?“
4) Chappell Red
Average Rank: 4.33
Previous Rank: 7 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.12
Comments: A tale of two seasons for red as a five game losing streak to start the season gave way to a five game winning streak to end it, making this possibly the league’s hottest team down the stretch. They may not have any “superstars” but boast depth at every position, two top flight ladies and possibly the league’s most underrated 1C in Kevin. Early returns on playoff bracket polling have red favored to make the final four and honesty I’m inclined to agree. Their path is brutal but they match up schematically with Glatts better than possibly any team. A strong choice for this season’s top sleeper candidate, although I may be blowing up their spot right now.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Apart from Lucas, this team appears allergic to shooting.”
“This team has the best depth in the league and a goalie with monster dad energy juggling a newborn, breaking records at Orange Theory, and playing hockey. Notice how Nate hasn’t had to yell this season. This team buys into the Nate Lerner system. 5 game winning streak going into playoffs with Zach Flynn doing his best Mark Stone impression and coming off IR for game 1 of the playoffs.“
“The hottest team in the league; after losing their first 5 games, they’ve won their last 5. They beat MilkMob so badly it literally broke the Milkman.”
5) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 4.89
Previous Rank: 11 (up 6)
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.05
Comments: After taking 2025 off the Pranksters returned to action this spring and surprised pretty much everyone by grabbing the 3 seed, the best in franchise history. Gelman’s teams are always explosive offensively but what’s been most surprising is that he’s discovered defense in his older age with tie dye ranking 4th in goals against to go with their 3rd overall goals for tally. The doubters are still out there but this is almost definitely the best team in Pranksters history and with the way Max can catch fire, they are a legitimate title contender.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Very fast and skilled, combined with a goalie that can get hot at any point. The first line is as scary as anyone outside of Glatts.”
“Shocked the league with their depth, defense, and top line. I think they’ve benefited from a weak schedule though.“
“Why does this team always look like they are having so much fun? I actually thought they wouldn’t be that good, but Gelman always believed good vibes would lead to success on the court. He’s right more often than not.”
6) Bruise Control
Average Rank: 6.22
Previous Rank: 10 (up 4)
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.09
Comments: Preseason rankings had this team in 10th which ended up being a gross underestimation of a solidly built squad. They may not have a lot of flash, scoring less than any team outside the bottom 3, but they also have allowed the least goals of any non-undefeated team on the backs of a stellar defense and a career season from Carl. Whether they have enough offense to carry them through four playoff games is a question D5 fans and bettors will be watching for the next couple of Tuesdays.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Also shocked the league on the back of Carl. The team is bought in and they have depth, but seem to lack scoring. Simon can only score when he’s inebriated in some way.”
“Does defense win D5 championships in 2026? The numbers would suggest no, but we’re about to find out.”
“I can’t wait to see which three random players Milstein pulls out of the draft pool and convinces to captain with him next season. Doesn’t that guy run some kind of league?”
“If NyQuil was a team, this would be it. Boring defensive hockey gets wins but has negative swagger. This is the Jacques Lemaire Minnesota Wild of the 2000s. I have more vibes in my left testicle than this team has on their roster.“
7) Glazin’ Donuts
Average Rank: 6.33
Previous Rank: 2 (down 5)
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.50
Comments: A very strange season for silver as they dropped four straight games before a season ending victory over pink to secure the 7 seed in a season where most expected them to be top 3. The underlying numbers aren’t great but anyone who’s followed D5 hockey the past couple years knows better than to count this team out, especially considering this very same core also got the 7 seed last spring and won three games en route to a final four appearance. I don’t think anyone would be too surprised to see them do it again.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“A very strong top-to-bottom roster that, for some reason, has a hard time winning games.”
“A bit of a rocky season for this usually successful crew, but the Ryan, Peter, Tommy trio always raise their play for big games. A lot will depend on the availability of tandems in the playoffs, their fatigue levels, and utilization, but this team could make a run.”
“Pete’s been playing like he’s on drugs, and not the good kind.”
8) Street Meat
Average Rank: 7.67
Previous Rank: 5 (down 3)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.50
Comments: After opening the season with a 12-3 win over green, one longtime league member told me this was possibly the best team in league history. Safe to say the rest of the year didn’t quite go the way he expected as inconsistent attendance, Ariel’s injury and Pigozzi’s bender in New Orleans derailed the team’s hopes of top seeding, but they did put it together on the final night of the season in taking Glatt’s to OT and getting a regulation win over green, allowing them to bypass that evening’s play-in. Now, with a roster that should finally be at full strength for the playoffs, this is a loaded squad that can put up goals with anyone. If the defense holds up, watch out. Chuck knows.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“This team ended the season strong and came closer than anyone to beating Glatts. I don’t think they have the depth for a playoff run though.”
“So many combinations of tandems make it hard to say how it will work out. This team has the talent, but does it have the right type of meat?“
“Underrated squad that got hot down the stretch. If their players all show up, watch out.”
9)Â The UMass Football Team
Average Rank:Â 8.78
Previous Rank: 4 (down 5)
Highest Rank:Â 7
Lowest Rank:Â 10
Standard Deviation: 0.97
Comments:Â Expectations were high for this group entering the season as they got the top two players in the draft to go along with selecting the first goalie and the first lady. Unfortunately inconsistent attendance and a bit of a leadership vacuum led to a surprisingly low 11 seed but if they have a full roster on Tuesday they can take on anyone. I honestly do believe this is quite easily the best 11 seed in league history. Whether that’s enough to win multiple playoff games remains to be seen.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:Â
“Got absolutely smoked in two straight games, and didn’t look great in the play-in. With good attendance they’re still a very scary team but I don’t think they will have that.”
“This team is proof that D5 captains do more than drink and yell at their players. An all-star team put together by a GM 1,000 miles away this team lacked structure and leadership from day one. If Magosin shows up they have a chance to make a run, but winning 3 games in one day is a tall order.”
“Good news: they were better than the actual UMass Football Team.
Bad news: that team was possibly the worst in college football history.”
10) Pinky Toe
Average Rank: 9.56
Previous Rank: 9 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 8
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 0.73
Comments: A season after a championship game appearance, expectations were sky high, at least within the pink locker room. Unfortunately, while the offense is solid as expected, the defense has been one of the worst we’ve ever seen and in fact their structurally best game was last Friday when almost no one from the roster played and Yehuda Silverman acted as interim captain. That’s not a recipe for playoff success and is in fact a recipe to make Sophia question everything in her life. A playoff opener against Street Meat should be wide-open and allow them to run-and-gun. Subsequent games against purple and blue will test whether their defense can once again raise their level in the postseason.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“In an incredibly close middle tier of teams, pink slots right towards the bottom. An incredibly fast team, they’re probably biggest day-to-day proposition in the league. Despite running more than just about any team, they still manage to have almost no defense.”
“Pink deserved bottom spot solely for allowing Tony to score his first career goal against them. Shoutout Yehuda.”
“Plays the game the wrong way. Yehuda has negative hockey sense and plays like he’s never watched a game in his life. I don’t think he knows what defense is – sucks for Sophia.”
“Is this the season that Emma and Sophia say enough is enough?“
11)Â Baja Blast
Average Rank:Â 11.14
Previous Rank: 12 (up 1)
Highest Rank:Â 11
Lowest Rank:Â 12
Standard Deviation:Â 0.38
Comments:Â A tough season for green as they were competitive in most games but just didn’t have quite enough playmaking and scoring punch to beat the top teams (or the middle ones at that). The roster was built for speed and tenacity and they actually led their play-in game midway through but came out on the short end of a pink 3rd period barrage. Now, with Jake likely taking next season off for specious reasons (his own wedding), fans are left wondering if this was the last ride for one of the longest tenured franchises in the league and the Fall 2024 champions. My prediction: they’ll be back at some point. No idea when though.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:Â
“Rough season for Jake. Similar to pink this team had a lot of the pieces but couldn’t put it together. They had some close games, but ultimately ended the season without a regulation win.“
“Kolenberg either drafts cup winning teams or bottom dwelling teams, never anything in the middle.“
“This team actually played hard down the stretch and deserves credit for not quitting on their season (unlike some teams). Put up a really good fight against pink but came up just short. Could definitely beat some of the teams that will be playing on Tuesday.”
12) The MilkMob
Average Rank: 11.86
Previous Rank: 8 (down 4)
Highest Rank: 11
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 0.38
Comments: Another franchise that’s likely (definitely) played its last game, this was a brutal end to the season and to a once-proud dairy franchise as zero captains and three rostered players show up to the final game after mysteriously being informed that said game was probably cancelled (that was never on the table). It was honestly an incredible effort by those who did show up as the aforementioned three rostered players plus the subs graciously approved by UMass kept the game tied for most of the running time, went down 1, staged a furious rally and scored with the goalie pulled to tie the game with under two minutes left, only to give up the eventual game winner with under a minute left. With a bit more attendance and a bit more leadership, this team could have really been something. As it stands, it goes down as the closest a team has ever come to quitting on a season. Props to Becca for pulling together an incredible effort for the play-in game; she’s on the short list for new captains next season, particularly if Blondies wants to sponsor a team.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“The first season without KG and this team crumbles faster than a cookie dunked in milk. A solid team on paper, they were plagued by poor leadership and bad luck. This season was so bad it mentally, emotionally, and spiritually broke the milkman.”
“All along I thought they were unsuccessful because of poor drafting but it turns out the leadership might be even worse than whatever Yehuda’s putting out for pink. Jordan telling his team not to show up for a playoff game and just praying it gets rescheduled is pretty much the story of his career as captain. Players deserved better.”
“You know, I had this team much higher in my rankings, but they dropped all the way to the bottom after completely folding following a couple of tough late-season losses to Red. Leadership did not even bother to show up for their playoff play-in game. Becca is the real hero here. She refused to let the team simply forfeit, pulled together a few misfits for the game, and came within 30 seconds of forcing overtime. Make this woman a captain next season. She deserves better.“
“I sincerely hope no one ever tries drafting a D5 team on shrooms again.” (Editor’s Note: I actually wouldn’t mind seeing it)