Championship Week Lines (Spring 2021)

Sex Panthers (-105)
Spicy Tuna Rolls (-135)
Over 6.0 (-110)
Under 6.0 (-130)

Notes: The Spicy Tuna Rolls and Sex Panthers face off for the third time this season in the first semifinal matchup of the night. While the Tunas have comfortably won both meetings by comfortable 5-2 margins, odds are this one won’t be quite as easy. Game one was played against a brutal roster that featured three goalies, multiple D5 rookie subs and a guy coming off a two day AC bender who wrote whatever the hell this was on the way to the game. Game two was played during minigame madness with 7 minute periods where the Sex Panthers were missing a host of players including Austin who was worried that game would get rained out as the previous ones had been. This game will have no such issues as Austin is amped and ready to go, looking to avoid the ignominy of being the 3rd guy drafted and scoring 0 goals on the season, something that McQuade is surely hoping to see so he can bring it up to him (and me) for the next five years. In fact this is probably the first time all season that the Sex Panthers will have their full lineup (minus Ryann who is in Minnesota teaching hockey and probably making out with Malik as we ma-speak). The Tunas will also have a full lineup minus bruiser Mike Warren who is either in prison or has moved to DC for work (who can say for sure). Lots of intriguing matchups in this one: Jack & Mike T vs Austin & Rockoff at center, McCauley & Kev vs Alex & DRo on D, ladies night all over the ice, Waldman vs Corey, the top two GAA leaders on the season (Waldman won the award by virtue of Corey only making four games). It’s a fairly evenly matched battle in the contest that Hicks had hoped to see in the championship but has to settle for in the final four. The Tunas finished the regular season 6-1-2-1 and the Panthers finished 4-1-1-4. Seems lopsided on paper but if you strip away the two head-to-head games played with completely different blue rosters the records are almost identical: 4-1-2-1 and 4-1-1-2. Purple still gets the edge as the wire-to-wire #1 seed, 2nd in goals scored, 1st in goals allowed, 2nd in goal differential, with two of the top eight point scorers and, incredibly, three of the top six in ladies points. They’ve earned the respect of the league and of the sportsbook with this incredible season but in a one game playoff, anything can happen. Jack will no doubt try to motivate his team with narratives about how they’re the underdogs and no one believes in them but the fact is the majority of action in the league sportsbook is on the Tunas to win the championship. The early season lovable underdogs have given way to a juggernaut #1 seed, evident in the results of last night’s flash poll where 71.4% of respondents chose the Tunas to win this game and 50% chose them to win the cup. Will the pressure of being expected to win get to them or can they power through the lofty forecasts and make it happen? Meanwhile, can the Sex Panthers rise to the occasion as the clear underdog who not a single person chose to win the championship? I’m certainly too biased to make a call on whether they’ll go down tonight but I do think every game tonight is as close to a coinflip as we’ve ever had in a D5 final four. I’ll be backing the underdogs in all games as a +EV proposition and hoping for some regression to the mean.

Crimson Wave (-110)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-130)

Over 6.0 (-125)
Under 6.0 (-115)

Notes: A 2-3 matchup for the ages sees two of the preseason favorites duking it out as Ariel, Hogg, Neil and Max lead Cup Size into what should be a fast and physical affair against Sully, SBJ, Zisser and the Crimson Wave. Meg, their captain and leading scorer is currently recovering from surgery and out for the game tonight which is a massive blow to red’s chances. However they still have Sully and McQuade rotating at center, a rough matchup for any team as their combination of speed and physicality is just annoying as sin to go against. Black rode a three game win streak on the final night of Minigame Madness to climb all the way up to #2. These teams met once this season, a 4-3 overtime victory for Cup Size, but that was back when the Wave was still in the doldrums. That OT loser’s point was their first of the season and from that point on they lost to the Tunas, then reeled off five straight regulation victories before losing the finale in overtime. Zisser vs Max is a classic battle in net of two undersized but lightning quick goaltenders; however, the battle I’m most interested in watching is Neil vs SBJ. Neil was a late 4th round pick who had a season for the ages and led the league in scoring with 12 goals 7 assists and 19 points. Meanwhile James, after starting the season in a slump, rebounded to finish 5th in points and was a force down the stretch when he wasn’t mauling women on the court or berating refs for missed hooking calls. Which player will be able to impose their will on the opposing defense? These are also two teams who have been known to lose their cool a bit if things aren’t going well so a good start is crucial; get a goal on the board and everyone plays a little looser, fall behind early and everyone grips the stick tighter, tries to do too much and next thing you know the game is out of reach. Losing Meg for the season is a massive loss but Andrea will do her best impression up front; then again, this is the same woman who put a plastic cutting board in an oven just a week ago in Shelter Island so who the hell knows what she’s capable of.

There’s an easy Cutler-cutting board joke to be made here but I’m tired and need to prepare for battle with Jack

Throwing her at forward is a bold move as she is probably the Wave’s best positional defender and red will now have to hope their makeshift defensive line will be enough to withstand the Cup Size attack. Once again this game is as tight as it gets and that shows in the poll results which have opinion split exactly 50/50, even without Meg playing. Surprisingly though, 35.7% of people have Wave winning the ship vs 14.3% for Cup Size indicating that every single Wave backer feels they’re going all the way while much of the Cup Size contingent has them winning only to immediately lose to the Tunas. With Meg I would back the Wave and never look back; as it is, I think this game is a toss-up that will likely be decided by the goaltenders. Giving a long hard look at the under but mostly watching this game with curiosity and praying no massive brawls break out.

Who Will Win The Championship?
Spicy Tuna Rolls (+180)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+200)
Crimson Wave (+225)
Sex Panthers (+240)

Overall Playoff Scoring Leader?
Ben McCloskey (+120)
Mike T (+200)
SBJ (+275)
Jack (+275)
Neil (+275)
Rockoff (+275)
Hogg (+320)
Austin (+350)
Field (+130)

Grand Salami (total goals on the night)
Over 15.5 (-140)
Under 15.5 (EVEN)

Who Will Score More Points On The Night?
Ariel (-140)
AFrey (EVEN)

Who Will Score The Most Points On The Night?
SBJ (+150)
Jack (+150)
Austin (+170)

Who Will Score More Points On The Night?
SBJ + Jack + Austin (-120)
Mike T + Neil + Sully (-120)

Who Will Score More Points On The Night?
Sena + Annie + Vanessa (-120)
Tash + Kelsey + Andrea (-120)

Who Will Score More Points On The Night?
Kelsey + Caitlin + Dana (-120)
Andrea + Sara (-120)

Who Will Give Up Less Total Goals On The Night?
Corey (-120)
Max (-120)

Who Will Give Up Less Total Goals On The Night (Total)?
Waldman (-120)
Zisser (-120)

Extra Spicy Props
Any Player Gets A Hat Trick (+125)
At Least One Game Goes To OT (+120)
At Least Two Games Go To OT (+250)
At Least One Shutout (+300)
Over 8.5 Goals In Any Game (+250)
Goalie Gets An Assist (+800)
Championship Winning Goal By A Defender (+275)
Championship Winning Goal By A Lady (+500)
Championship Winning Goal By A Goalie (+6000)

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