One of the craziest trades in league history was made official this morning as, after days of negotiations over multiple glasses of milk, a deal was finalized to bring one of the MilkMob’s original sons back home to the farm, as god intended, while bringing more boobs to team boobs, as god also intended. It appears that in between Passover and Easter god wanted some blockbuster player movement and that is exactly what the lord will be receiving. D5 Insider Sylvester Cacciatore and the official D5 News Desk can officially confirm that Cup Size is sending 2nd round pick Yehuda Silverman, 3rd round pick and possible honor roll student soon to be high school dropout Luca French and goaltender Doug Ramsay to the MilkMob in exchange for Sonj, older circle running Yehuda and D5 champion Justin Sherbal. When the MilkMob picked the older, dirtier mustached Yehuda in round 5 in what might have been the biggest shocker in draft history, there were more than a few people who assumed that what actually happened there was that hours of drinking before the draft led them to believe this was actually former rookie of the year Yehuda Silverman. In fact it was Weinbach whose speed and loudness was a good fit for this team but who’s 5th round cap hit made him a logical choice to be shipped off to Jenn’s team where he’ll see more jewish boob than he normally does in a full year.
Reached for comment, the MilkMob issued an official statement from the team barn:
“From the beginning we always intended to bring our cows back home. NewYehuda, aka GoodYehuda was always on our radar as we realize the friendships and bonds on the farm will last a lifetime and will never be forgotten. MilkMob moves forward with upcoming studs ready to pasteurize the farm. Once a MilkMob, always a MilkMob.”
Silverman, for his part was ecstatic to go back to his milking roots as he has literally not won a single game this season. Luca French, reached for comment during 3rd period history class, was ecstatic to be on Joe’s team as Joe had previously threatened his life the last time he reffed this game so this certainly increases his odds of living long enough to sleep with at least one sorority girl. It remains to be seen how his tenuous commitment to defense will fly on a MilkMob team that is known for intensity above all else. He might have to cut his pregame Taco Bell situation and focus on dairy intake as per the instructions of team dietician Dana Lerner.
Co-CEO Jordan Dickson issued his own statement from his Upper West Side ranch:
“What started out as a joke between Jenn and I, turned into a realistic trade shortly after realizing how much it made sense for both teams. It’s great to bring an OG Milkmobber home, and quite possibly save Luka from going to prison. We wish the best for Justin and Sonj in their future endeavors!”
Man, I really hope Luca’s dad doesn’t read these articles.
Reached for official comment from Team HQ in the basement of a seedy Las Vegas Strip Club, Team Cup Size had this to say:
“While some might claim we are getting the Bad Yehuda (TM) and giving up a much better Jew in Good Yehuda, we are finally embracing our Boobs and becoming a TOP feminist team by having a female goalie. One even might argue that having two Luca’s on a single team was just too much young strength at once and we had to part them to let them each shine. We will miss all our players and plan to get V drunk with the ones who are old enough at a reunion mixer.“
Cup Size, like many teams before them, has ditched the youth movement in trading two of their youngest players for grizzled vets, and by that I mean people in their mid-late 20s. Luca Vellon now becomes the lone Luca left on the roster and the lone player who still has to use a fake ID. The league will release updated prop lines later this week, including one on how many times BadYehuda will be reprimanded/viciously benched for the rest of the season. Two things are for sure: this was shockingly reasonable deal by Jenn, and I don’t think we’ll ever have more Yehudas in a single trade. Mazel tov!
This has been a D5 Breaking News Update and this piece will (probably) be updated as more information becomes available. Check back for further updates as this story develops.